The Swamp

Any Swampers have any experience dealing with this? My MIL is starting to slide very quickly away and my wife is the only support system that's in place. My FIL is a piece of work who doesn't care to see it or just doesn't care and my SIL lives 90 minutes away and is no help whatsoever.

My poor wife has to be the brunt of rambling phone calls about stuff being stolen (she loses everything), questions about how to cash checks (my MIL was a CPA for 20+ years) and having to tell her mother the names of her friends and relatives. I'm worried about my wife's mental health. Our life isn't exactly stress free and this sure doesn't help. I'm worried this will be her in 30 years.

Any organizations or support groups you used? Any websites that you found useful?

bfj wrote:Any Swampers have any experience dealing with this? My MIL is starting to slide very quickly away and my wife is the only support system that's in place. My FIL is a piece of work who doesn't care to see it or just doesn't care and my SIL lives 90 minutes away and is no help whatsoever.

My poor wife has to be the brunt of rambling phone calls about stuff being stolen (she loses everything), questions about how to cash checks (my MIL was a CPA for 20+ years) and having to tell her mother the names of her friends and relatives. I'm worried about my wife's mental health. Our life isn't exactly stress free and this sure doesn't help. I'm worried this will be her in 30 years.

Any organizations or support groups you used? Any websites that you found useful?

Ugh. Good luck, B. I wish you and your wife the best.

Damn. That is really tough. I'm sorry that I have nothing to say to help you out other than to say I'm pulling for you and wishing it was better. My grandmother had Alzheimers and had to be put in a home because the relatives just couldn't handle all her needs.

Wish I had a resource to point you to. My only experience was my grandmother, and she moved away from us to be closer to my aunt for her last years. She ultimately ended up in a very nice home, and was happy, but it was the type of place where alarms went off anytime any door opened. Good luck, and I wish you guys the best as well.

bfj wrote:Any Swampers have any experience dealing with this? My MIL is starting to slide very quickly away and my wife is the only support system that's in place. My FIL is a piece of work who doesn't care to see it or just doesn't care and my SIL lives 90 minutes away and is no help whatsoever.

My poor wife has to be the brunt of rambling phone calls about stuff being stolen (she loses everything), questions about how to cash checks (my MIL was a CPA for 20+ years) and having to tell her mother the names of her friends and relatives. I'm worried about my wife's mental health. Our life isn't exactly stress free and this sure doesn't help. I'm worried this will be her in 30 years.

Any organizations or support groups you used? Any websites that you found useful?

I am very sorry for your situation. I am dealing with my Mom In a similar situation. The best you can do is to be caring and compassionate. It is not easy when the spouse does not understand, but just do what needs to be done.

Does your MIL acknowledge she is having problems, or not? It will be much harder if she does not understand what is happening.

My grandmother developed it around the same time she had a stroke that necessitated her going to a nursing home. My mom said it was awful to have to do but also the absolute right thing, although I guess it's different since she lived alone at the time. Either way, sorry to hear.

I had to deal with this with my Dad from 2008-13 when he passed. It's a gut wrenching disease and you BOTH will need your own support system. Your situation is a bit different than mine (I am an only child and mom had passed a while back) but here are the three pieces that I believe are universal:
1) Find out what her Power of Attorney situation is. Also if any living will is in place. If they gave that power to each other as spouses and your FIL doesn't want to deal you may have limited powers. Consult your/a lawyer.
2) Have her Dr test/diagnose her. There are simple tests that can be done, usually a series of questions that she likely wouldn't realize was a mental health test. A dementia diagnosis is key to invoke POA if you decide on a Home or even in-house care. A diagnosis from a DR will hopefully help your FIL realize this is serious.
3) I believe you are in a major metro area so if you call your local hospital, I pretty much guarantee there is a family of Alzheimer's support group. Even though your wife is having the direct conversations, you supporting her means you are going through it as well. Do not underestimate the toll it takes on you. Even if you decide not to attend a formal meeting, the leaders of those groups can be great resources for available in-home services in your area (even if just a twice weekly check-in).

You haves lots on your plate and I wish you strength and luck.

Happy to answer any questions in this thread or through PM.

SportsDoc wrote:

bfj wrote:Any Swampers have any experience dealing with this? My MIL is starting to slide very quickly away and my wife is the only support system that's in place. My FIL is a piece of work who doesn't care to see it or just doesn't care and my SIL lives 90 minutes away and is no help whatsoever.

My poor wife has to be the brunt of rambling phone calls about stuff being stolen (she loses everything), questions about how to cash checks (my MIL was a CPA for 20+ years) and having to tell her mother the names of her friends and relatives. I'm worried about my wife's mental health. Our life isn't exactly stress free and this sure doesn't help. I'm worried this will be her in 30 years.

Any organizations or support groups you used? Any websites that you found useful?

I am very sorry for your situation. I am dealing with my Mom In a similar situation. The best you can do is to be caring and compassionate. It is not easy when the spouse does not understand, but just do what needs to be done.

Does your MIL acknowledge she is having problems, or not? It will be much harder if she does not understand what is happening.

She is very much in denial that anything is wrong. Any mention of it starts a ranting, paranoid monologue. My wife tries to avoid this as much as possible. She wants her mom to feel like she has us on her side because my MIL feels like everyone is against her. There's no question in my mind that my FIL is probably telling her she's crazy and that she's losing her mind. He's not a nice man.

Rams Fanny wrote:I had to deal with this with my Dad from 2008-13 when he passed. It's a gut wrenching disease and you BOTH will need your own support system. Your situation is a bit different than mine (I am an only child and mom had passed a while back) but here are the three pieces that I believe are universal:
1) Find out what her Power of Attorney situation is. Also if any living will is in place. If they gave that power to each other as spouses and your FIL doesn't want to deal you may have limited powers. Consult your/a lawyer.
2) Have her Dr test/diagnose her. There are simple tests that can be done, usually a series of questions that she likely wouldn't realize was a mental health test. A dementia diagnosis is key to invoke POA if you decide on a Home or even in-house care. A diagnosis from a DR will hopefully help your FIL realize this is serious.
3) I believe you are in a major metro area so if you call your local hospital, I pretty much guarantee there is a family of Alzheimer's support group. Even though your wife is having the direct conversations, you supporting her means you are going through it as well. Do not underestimate the toll it takes on you. Even if you decide not to attend a formal meeting, the leaders of those groups can be great resources for available in-home services in your area (even if just a twice weekly check-in).

You haves lots on your plate and I wish you strength and luck.

Happy to answer any questions in this thread or through PM.

thanks RF. I'm very worried about how this will take its toll on my wife. If I can figure out some way to help her out and ease her mind, that is my main priority.

Thanks all for the kind words and support. This is scary shit. My MIL quit working about 18 months ago and her mind started to go almost immediately. Mix in some geriatric depression along with a very dysfunctional marriage and this is what's happening.

Here is a very important lesson I learned mid-way through my journey that will help you from the outset: the person going through the disease will likely never acknowledge that they have this disease. From their perspective, their reality hasn't changed. They may acknowledge 'getting forgetful' or 'losing stuff' but to them they are going through daily life per normal. If she hasn't already, she may ask you (your wife) the same question repeatedly (maybe separated by 20 minutes, maybe separated by hours) but try to keep in mind each time she asks is the first time to her. Keeping this in mind may help the frustration your wife will inevitably feel.

My dad died in 1994. Pancreatic cancer.

Mom was pretty active, walking a couple of miles a day. She lived by herself, about a half mile away. She was always a rather strong and intelligent person. My wife and I would take mom out to eat 2-3 times a month. In 2009, she had surgery on her carotid arteries.

Around the middle of August, 2010, we were taking her to eat at a steak fry, at my local Elks. I called mom around 5pm, to confirm times, and she said "I don't know where your dad is. If he does not come home soon, I guess I'll go without him." That knocked the hell out of me. Things got progressively worse, and in 2012(?) we finally convinced her to go to assisted living. C-Diff (sp?) followed about a year later, and she almost died. Shortly thereafter, she failed to remember who I am. That is the worst part. I can only go to see her about three or four times a year, now, as I fall into depression. That is something that will affect your wife, and drain her. Stay strong, and steady, for your wife. She needs you.

I could handle my dad's death. Not my mom's demise.

Good luck, and keep an even keel.

Rams Fanny wrote:Here is a very important lesson I learned mid-way through my journey that will help you from the outset: the person going through the disease will likely never acknowledge that they have this disease. From their perspective, their reality hasn't changed. They may acknowledge 'getting forgetful' or 'losing stuff' but to them they are going through daily life per normal. If she hasn't already, she may ask you (your wife) the same question repeatedly (maybe separated by 20 minutes, maybe separated by hours) but try to keep in mind each time she asks is the first time to her. Keeping this in mind may help the frustration your wife will inevitably feel.

Yep. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

One more thing, for now.

Your wife must get your FIL involved. He could be in a state of denial, and I would understand that. To him, life pretty much sucks right now.

Watch finances. Mom only lived on SS, and gave more money to "charities" than I can imagine. She would get mail from everyone, including Dancers with Two Left Feet. Hopefully, your FIL is good at money managing.

The statement made earlier about POA is good, but with your FIL in the picture.........

HDO45331 wrote:

Rams Fanny wrote:Here is a very important lesson I learned mid-way through my journey that will help you from the outset: the person going through the disease will likely never acknowledge that they have this disease. From their perspective, their reality hasn't changed. They may acknowledge 'getting forgetful' or 'losing stuff' but to them they are going through daily life per normal. If she hasn't already, she may ask you (your wife) the same question repeatedly (maybe separated by 20 minutes, maybe separated by hours) but try to keep in mind each time she asks is the first time to her. Keeping this in mind may help the frustration your wife will inevitably feel.

Yep. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

We are here. My wife is amazing and patient with her mom. Then she hangs up the phone and bawls like a child.

I can't add anything to what has been already stated - I know some good support groups up here, but nothing that can help.

But if there is a support group for the children of dementia-sufferers, do try to get involved. It's good to be with people who understand what you are going through.

I was going to start some sort of thread like this about my mother. She's past the point of my being mad at her now. She literally is incapable of being a rational human being. But the thing is, she has always been like this (just not to this degree). I was just too young to understand until I left home. When my dad passed back in 2004, I experienced first hand the lies, deceit, and stealing of money. It took a minute for it to register but it finally did. When I tried warning everyone around me I was looked at sideways. My mother is a master manipulator and plays victim in every facet of her life. She was able to make people believe she is always sick and always in need of your pity. This weekend with my sister's wedding it was manifesting worse and worse. Everyone is done with her shit. My Godmother is dealing with her husband, at 94, deal with Alzheimer's and she thinks the early onset stuff is starting with my mom too. But I'm no doctor. And my mother never ever goes to the doctor unless she experiences high blood pressure or an accidental injury. I think she has always been bipolar. Maybe something worse. Her forgetfulness is part of the manipulation.

I'm sorry this is what you're having to deal with BFJ. It remains to be seen what happens on my end, but I feel for your situation. It sucks.

Johnnie wrote:I was going to start some sort of thread like this about my mother. She's past the point of my being mad at her now. She literally is incapable of being a rational human being. But the thing is, she has always been like this (just not to this degree). I was just too young to understand until I left home. When my dad passed back in 2004, I experienced first hand the lies, deceit, and stealing of money. It took a minute for it to register but it finally did. When I tried warning everyone around me I was looked at sideways. My mother is a master manipulator and plays victim in every facet of her life. She was able to make people believe she is always sick and always in need of your pity. This weekend with my sister's wedding it was manifesting worse and worse. Everyone is done with her shit. My Godmother is dealing with her husband, at 94, deal with Alzheimer's and she thinks the early onset stuff is starting with my mom too. But I'm no doctor. And my mother never ever goes to the doctor unless she experiences high blood pressure or an accidental injury. I think she has always been bipolar. Maybe something worse. Her forgetfulness is part of the manipulation.

I'm sorry this is what you're having to deal with BFJ. It remains to be seen what happens on my end, but I feel for your situation. It sucks.

Johnnie, from what you have said about your mother in the past, she very likely has a personality disorder. It sounds like she has no empathy or thoughts for how her actions affect other people. She sounds like she is the only focus of her universe, and feels like she is owed everything by the world, and can't deal with it when she doesn't get what she wants. Could be any of a number of disorders. I found it incredibly helpful to read up on a personality disorder of one of my relatives. It completely helped me to understand why they said and did things that otherwise seemed hurtful, bizarre, disproportionate to the situation, etc... Reading stories from people with the disorder and their family and friends, and seeing exactly the same behaviors, words, and scenarios was eye opening. I also learned a lot of triggers to avoid, responses I've had that escalated episodes, and ways to avoid/handle situations. Happy to talk to you about that.

Back to BFJ. Do you live nearby MiL? FiL definitely complicates the situation, is he of sound mind to handle power of attorney? If he is, it is going to be almost impossible for your wife to get PoA, and your FiL doesn't sound like he would go for that. I fully agree with Ram Fanny's advice on that.

Like others said, people with dementia either don't see it, or fight really hard to convince themselves they are fine, and become defensive that everyone is out to get them. I have no advice on how to handle that, but I'm sure there is a ton of great info out there, as I would think this happens in most cases. If your FiL isn't onboard, I don't know that you and your wife can do much. Although dementia wasn't an issue, we fought my wife's great aunt for years to move her to a home. She lived in Brooklyn, and wasn't close enough to walk to any stores. She was still driving at 90, and I nearly shit my pants the one time she drove us. We fought to get her to give up driving. We found a really nice assisted living place near my inlaws, who were her only family. She raged when we tried to get her to move, telling her we could all visit every week, it was much nicer than her apartment, prepared meals, entertainment, activities... She was convinced we were trying to move her to take her money, that we didn't love her, we were trying to kill her by moving her. She was completely sharp mentally, other than lacking a filter between her brain and mouth. When we finally got her to move, she raved about how wonderful the place was, how much she regretted fighting us, etc... I totally get how hard it must be, she felt like she gave up her freedom to live in a semi-prison she couldn't leave on her own. She lived in the same apartment for 65 years.

Anyways, my point is, assisted living is a great option, especially for someone slipping into dementia. No matter how much she fights it, it is likely a better situation for her. FiL has to be onboard, but maybe he will realize he can't care for her as her condition gets worse. From watching my next door neighbor whose wife is at the end stages of Alzheimer's I hop your wife doesn't take on too much. My neighbor cares for his wife at home. She hasn't set foot outside for two years. He has helpers come over a few hours a day. He has aged 10 years in the past year, and it's sad to watch. He seems upbeat whenever he comes over to talk, but this is killing him. Really sorry to hear this, and I hope your wife finds a good support group.